FRINTON-ON-SEA (Defecated News) - Soft cardigans, wide shoes and incontinence. That's what most of us think of when we imagine old folk. But now, socio-economico-physiologists tell us, death is what is in store for these citizens.
A recent report leaked from the top security Institute of Pensioner Studies claims that 'people over the age of 80 are more likely to suffer a fatal death than teenagers.'
The report goes on to describe the worrying statistics that show that, 'the older people get, the more their bodies work less well and some work so badly that they don't work at all. We call this death, and more old people die than young folk. This seems unfair and must be linked to the last decades dominance of the Labour Party.'
A second report confirms these findings, and Health Minister, Baroness Baretta Baroni, told us, "we need to take some time to digest this information. Should it be proven to be the case, then research is needed that will require higher taxation of the young folk. Some people don't seem to age at all, and they are just lucky bastards."
Wee Jimmy Cranky refused to comment.