In a shocking 4am announcement tonight the Green Party have unveiled a stunning agenda to fight the next general election.
They have revealed a double hit on both global warming and the economy with the startling announcement that within three years of being elected the entire country will run off human poo.
"Well uuurrhh - it's a source of methane isn't it?" said a greenie this morning after being shaken out of their bed.
The idea stems from the fact that animal and human dung generates methane gas - which can be collected, refined and burnt to produce electricity. So the Green agenda does make a kind of scientific sense - mainly a 3 to 4 in the morning.
Their announcement was accompanied by other ideas, most of which involve hanging motorists and questions about where to buy a Mars Bar at 4am' They do sometimes include coherent speach such as:
All toilets to be fitted with meters - every citizen of the UK will be expected to produce an annual quota of No 2's based on diet. Anyone who does not eat cous-cous will automatically face a doubled quota
Public toilets will issue receipts based on volume, quantity and frequency visited with discounts given to Vegetarians, Assylum Inmates and anyone who eats cabbage.
A new branch of Inland Revenue or as it is now known "The Nazi Party" will be set up to monitor and police "production" with constipation becoming a criminal offence.
As a result all toilets will by law be fitted with CCTV by 2011. Those unable to "go" will be publicly humiliated in reality TV programmes such as "Bunged and Dangerous"
Apparently both SKY and ITV4 have already begun negotiating broadcast rights.
Really hot curries such as Vindaloo and Phal will be made freely available on the NHS to treat serious "non-performers" and for criminal under-performers ( ie those who are really ill) genuine drugs or health treatment will be denied in the interests of a compost or 100% lentil diet
Having polled opinion around Downing Street this measure is likely to be stolen by New Labour, claimed as "We thought of it first" by the Tories and as usual the Lib-Dems couldn't be arsed to comment as they were having too much fun getting pissed
As one spokesperson from planet earth said today:
"It isn't the first time the greens have talked crap"