COCKPORT, Ill. - Officials have discovered a ninja kangaroo Thursday in a canal leading to Lake Michigan. The Mayor of Cockport, Peter Shaft expressed concern of a covert plan to assassinate the wildlife in his town.
Tens of thousands of species of dead wildlife floated atop the surface of the waterway. Mayor Shaft claims it's due to a ninja attack. Authorities were alarmed by the nearly six-mile stretch of rotting carcasses in the waterway the evening before. Concerns about dying wildlife in the area have sparked debate. Wildlife groups have demanded action and insisted on closure of the Shit Canal and other toxic waterways connecting the lakes to the Mississippi. "This unprecedented step could disrupt the movement of millions of tons of coal, plastic and other chemicals," declared Mayor Shaft.
Mayor Shaft claims there is a communist plot to halt the traffic on the waterways. Cockport Sanitation Service officials confirmed the allegations when a ninja cloaked kangaroo was found swimming among tens of thousands of dead fish and wildlife. The ninja marsupial was armed with marital arts weaponry and doing the butterfly stroke on the surface of the waterway known as the Shit Canal. The Cockport Sanitary Works and Shit Canal, is about 30 miles west of Lake Michigan and important to the state, said Dick Johnsville, assistant director of the Illinois Department of Sanitation.
"Ninja assassin kangaroos are indeed double agents and are here to kill American wildlife," Johnsville said "They can sneak in, murder everything and then sneak out. Wildlife Agencies demand our waterway should be closed, it's all a big communist plot, and possibly an alien conspiracy."
The town of Cockport in efforts to fight communist/alien attacks installed an electrical barrier in 2008. Lethal jolts of electricity have yet to repel ninja kangaroos. Five environmental groups have threatened to sue Mayor Shaft over the electrical barrier and demand the waterways to close.