Written by Terry Croyle
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Topics: Diet, Weight Loss

Wednesday, 14 October 2009

(Alma, GA) Stating that the idea came to him after reading a Rant & Rave in the Ochlocknee Gazette, Dr. Walker Thronton, from nearby Lenox, claims he has discovered the long-sought secret to weight loss.

"One of the ranters in the newspaper was all ticked off that he had lost 10 pounds when he spent two weeks in the county jail. Well, I put two and two together and still couldn't come up with 10 pounds, so it got me thinking." Thronton, who practices taxidermy and is a graduate of Ochlocknee County High School, called the jail to see if he might be able to piece the mystery together.

In what would have to be classified as a serendipitous violation of HIPPA regulations, Deputy Josh Wear told Dr. Thronton, "dang, that was Mickey Hart's rant, know what he's really complaining about? We made him get up every morning for calisthenics...you'd a thought we was torturing him. Next thing you know he's writing in the Rant & Rave. Trying to make the jail look bad's all."

Nagged by medical uncertainty, Dr. Thronton decided to find Mickey, whom he figured would be at the Hardees on First Street, where everyone knew Mickey usually had lunch. It was at the Hardees that Dr. Thronton had his epiphany.

"It came to me right right after I took my first bite of a double cheesburger," Dr. Thronton said, "Mickey told me they didn't feed him enough food at the jail, he was always hungry, and he liked to starve.. He complained some about the exercise, but I knew I already had the information I needed."

"Mickey went to jail, they didn't feed him as much as he usually ate, and he lost weight. I deduced that if people ate less than they usually ate, they would lose weight, just like Mickey."

"You don't need grapefruits, you don't need any of the speed pills like my wife has, and you don't need to go to jail. Just eat less food! Don't ask me how it works, but I'll bet you a Big Mac it does"

Dr. Thronton, who admits he does not know why people call him doctor, refused to speculate when this reporter asked whether the calisthenics had anything to do with Mickey's weight loss, or if exercise,in general, would some day be recommended for everybody. "Now don't get off on no crazy tangent," he said.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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