Dallas, TX - Dr. Bret Holiday of the Austin Flatulence Dysfunction Therapy Center held a brief press conference to announce that his clinic is seeking subjects for a flatulence dysfunction drug treatment study.
"Flatulence dysfunction (FD) is not a laughing matter", Dr. Holiday stated. "Production of hydrogen gas is a natural part of normal digestion. Sometimes food additives, such as sulfur dioxide, build up in the bowel linings and prevent the normal action of bacteria, so that no digestion takes place. In this case, no gas is produced - the primary symptom of FD. The active ingredient of our new medicine is aspartame; but it is how it is packaged that makes it so effective. It does not dissolve until reaching the large intestine. This prevents it from entering the bloodstream and producing blindness."
Medicine will be paid for by the clinic and subjects are only required to list everything that they eat and bring all bowel evacuations to the clinic for study.
You would be considered an ideal subject for the study if:
- You eat two or more cans of beans per day
- You eat cabbage at every meal
- You stuff yourself at every meal
- You eat sulfured prunes by the box
- You can't pass gas, even when you are in an elevator