Colon - Frustrated by what they referred to as "inhumane" conditions, tens of millions of bacteria in your large intestine issued a comprehensive set of work rules demands today. Ranging from improved lighting and ventilation to greater security, the bacteria have threatened to stage a work stoppage if their demands aren't addressed.
The apparent leader and spokesmen of this bowel movement is a bacterium named throckottok. "We are not as ignorant or insignificant as people think," said throckottok. "We know that you, our host, would stand up and fight if you were in our shoes. We know that without us, you would suffer great distress and discomfort. We know that it is time that we meet at the bargaining table to air our grievances."
John J. Sweeney, the president of the AFL-CIO, is advising the bacteria in their struggle. "At the AFL-CIO, we have always talked about having a big tent, and in our big tent, there is certainly room for our tiny brothers and sisters. They do so much for you, improving the conditions that throckottok and his compatriots labor under seems like the least you can do."
Dr. Mark Pimentel, assistant director of the gastrointestinal motility program at Cedars-Sinai Medical Center in Beverly Hills, California, echoed this opinion, but with some caveats. "You couldn't survive without these bacteria in your intestines, but there is only so much that you can do about the conditions in there. It we try to make dramatic changes, we could disrupt a very delicate balance which could have serious consequences."
throckottok, when told of the limited concessions Dr. Pimentel thought possible, became angry and raised the ante. "I'll tell you," it said, "irritable bowel syndrome is no laughing matter, so batten down the hatches because me and the boys can really toss a wrench in the works it we want to."
Not all medical professionals are as sanguine as Dr. Pimentel in facing the specter raised by throckottok's threats. Dr. Emmet B. Keeffe, the president of the American Gastrointestinal Association, is no Dr. Feelgood. "When it comes to this kind of thing, the solutions is simple: antibiotics." With that, he pumped a high dose of erythromycin into your colon.
As the poison coursed through their picket lines, thinning the ranks of bacteria, throckottok could be heard calling to his supporters in the immortal words of Joe Hill, "don't mourn boys, organize!"