Written by Evan Essence
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Topics: Scientists, Universe

Sunday, 2 January 2005

image for Scientists Discover "Big Bang" Destroyed Universe

OAHU, HAWAII - Reversing the widely accepted view that the Big Bang created the universe, some 10 to 20 billion years ago, astrophysists now believe that the Big Bang actually destroyed the universe, some 10 to 20 billion years ago.

"We got to scratching our heads, and thinking about it, and we realized that most explosions are destructive, not creative or evolutionary", explained Prof. Tycho Solaris, at the Blix National Observatory in Hawaii. Now we are beginning to realize that an explosion of that magnitude would have done irreparable damage to the universe. "The universe must have been very amazing when it existed, before the Big Bang, but now, all that is left is intergalactic dust and rubble, which is being hurled at incredible speeds away from the center point of the original explosion."

"Nothing but rubble!" echoed Dr. Edmund Altiris in a sullen voice. "We can no longer justify even saying that the Universe is evolving. It was blown to smithereens eons ago. At this point the wreckage is simply dispersing in every direction through space-time."

" Life, itself, appears to be a fragment of perfection left over from what once must have been a very perfect universe. That may explain why life now seems so dissatisfactory and incomplete, at times."

"Its depressing to think about" said Prof. Solaris, with a tear in his eye." This rubble will continue flying off into the void, until the pieces of debris are so far apart, that even the light of the Heavens on a starry night will grow dim and finally disappear."

"But that won't happen for hundreds of billions of years", he added.

Altough it will never be possible to reassemble the universe as it was supposed to be, before the Big Bang, already scientists are developing plans to use supercomputers to simulate how the universe was before it was destroyed, and hope to eventually determine what could have caused that giant mishap.

"There's no use in crying over spilled milk", said Dr. Solaris, "But if we could determine what caused an accident of that magnitude, we might be better able to avoid such major catastophes in the future."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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