The SMA today called for an increase in advertising for alcohol in Scotland.
Its chief executive Sir Robert C Nesbitt said: 'The techniques being deployed by the drinks' industry to advertise their products are increasingly glamorous and sophisticated. And this, of course, is making alcohol less interesting to the 5 million raging alkies that make up the historic nation of Scotland.
'After Irish firm Magners launched their expensive campaign to promote their cider, no self-respecting derro or underage drinker would be seen dead drinking even the strongest of ciders. Diamond White went from being the alkies' favourite tipple to one for schoolgirls in less than a week, cutting sales drastically. So we hope the drinks' industry will continue this trend of advertising, helping alcohol consumption rates to carry on falling.'
We interviewed one Scottish alcoholic on an awesome bender of epic proportions - Glasgow Lord Provost Hector O'Spectre, chairing a three-day conference hosted by Glasgow City Council's Entertainment and Leisure Committee, to assess the effect on the public from advertising by the drinks' industry - and he said:
'Let us not lose sight of why we are all here at this conference. Which is to get our hands on as much free bevvie as we can. I mean, to assess the impact of alcohol advertising on a people that have been permanently blootered for the last thousand years.'
'Obviously a few TV ads will really make a lot of difference. Honestly. A bit like Magners launching an advertising campaign in Russia would turn the people there into hard-drinking vodkaholics overnight. Pictures of people sipping cider with ice in the warm sunshine ruins the whole point of heavy drinking in cold, northern countries - which is to stop yourself feeling miserable and depressed and freezing in the almost permanently dark days of the winter.'
'Since those blasted Magners ads we've had endless complaints from distilleries, warning the TV companies that portraying drinking as easy-going fun in warm sunshine with lots of nice people will destroy the whisky trade in Scotland. We want ads showing that life is so boring and depressing that you need a few drams just to get out of bed in the morning!'
There's even been talk of some distilleries moving premises to Siberia 'to get the atmosphere for making spirits just right, and of course getting just the right sort of customers', as White and MacAllan's owner and Clan Strathmore chieftan Sir O'Cis of that Liver said. 'Slainte mhath.'
Later this week the SMA will call for more MacDonuts adverts, as their revolting, unhealthy food makes people want to lose weight, and more pictures in magazines of Kerry Bloatona, so that Miceland's processed garbage junk food sales fall dramatically.
The West of Scotland has the highest heart disease rate and the lowest life expectancy in the Western world. No wonder people there take to the drink.