In Medical News the Government's new Surgeon General Sir Felchington Throb-Gland has announced that Masturbation is good for you, it is also believed that it could be compulsory by the next general election.
In a speech from his Hampstead Heath Mansion today, Sir Throb-Gland said, "In these difficult times of redundancy and mass unemployment, the Government fears a backlash by the great unwashed, the feckless and the young, who with nothing better to do may involve themselves in shenanigans and general mischief.We considered a number of possible methods for suppressing this sort of behaviour, including mass drugging in their supplies of Tea and Cider, compulsory curfews for anyone over 3 years and under 70 years between the hours of 07:00 and 23:59 and 00:30 and 06:30, and also compulsory execution for anyone unemployed for longer than 2 days. In the end we settled on some exhaustive tests into the masturbatory behaiour of teenage boys in Stockton on Tees, after a lot of videoing of these svelte young bucks, we discovered that the average young chap was bashing one out at least 23 hours a day, and had no time for causing mischief and getting into scrapes. As such we have implemented a special Porn benefit of £10 a week for anyone volunteering to stay in their rooms with the walls painted black, listening to the Smiths and choking their chickens over some copies of Razzle Reader's Wives over 50's specials found in hedges and down old alleyways, for at least 23 hours per day, 6 days per week. Sunday will be a non-chop day by law due to a number of factors including blistering of the shaft, roughening of the palms and a general need to replenish the love spuds."
In a surprise move, David Cameron's Shadown Surgeon General Lady Dribblington-Muff said "We in the Conservative Party fully endorse the benefits of pumping the yoghurt rifle or in the case in the case of the ladies gusset-typing, and fully endorse the government;s findings in this matter. We hope to commission the UK's newly formed independent shaft-manipulation think-tank s.p.u.n.c (self-pleasuring union national collective) to undertake some serious research at Eton Boys' School, by hiding in some lockers in the Junior Changing Rooms, to really satisfy ourselves as to the benefits of a jolly good wank."