The United Kingdom faces a frightening epidemic today, an epidemic of almost Biblical proportions.
As young people all over the country opened their GCSE results and planned their "Big Nights Out" to celebrate or commiserate, specialist Sexual Health Clinics around the UK prepared for an onslaught of appointments for funny rashes, unsightly boils, painful discharge and in the most extreme circumstances exploding testes.
Clifford Flange, STI Czar of the Government's sexual heath think tank "Throb" said today, "At this time of the year it literally goes off the charts for my staff, kids are queuing down the street with the drip, the clap, crabs, boils, itchy crotch, dribbly helmet and lord knows what else. We barely have enough penicillin to cope, most of the time we just give them Aspirin or Daz Diswasher Tablets and hope for the best. These kids may have 20 A stars in Home Economics and Social Politics, but the certainly don't know how to put on a condom, most of them can't even wash their own balls, asd for the girls most of them smell like Billingsgate on a Summer's day when the fridges have broken !"
In related news, THROB have traced the source of all Chlamydia to a small town near Epping Forest, Buckhurst Hill or "Ground Zero" as it is now being called was thought to have bred the first ever Chlamydia patient, Lindsey B or Patient Zero is thought to have contracted the disease after using an unwashed Police Baton to pleasure herself, she then spread the disease throughout men across Essex and London, who in turn have spread the disease beyond these shores. Chlamydia Lindsey as she is known was unavailable for comment today.