Written by Blazing Saddle
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Monday, 24 August 2009

image for Shock Report - Butterflies To Be Exterminated
A rare Cabbage Purple butterfly prevented from further climatic vandalism

Cabbage Whites, Greater Fritilliaries, Camberwell Beauties and any other butterfly species you can think of are soon to be wiped from the face of the planet.

Global climatologists have discovered that a single butterfly flapping its wings in the middle of the Pacific Ocean is the actual cause of the Severn Bore! It has been calculated that only 163 butterflies acting together in the mid-Pacific, just South of Tonga, could cause a 45 metre flood of London.

This alarming propensity for damage has led the European Health and Safety Executive to carry out a Risk Assessment.

The risk of a catastrophic event such as the Severn Bore is calculated as "extremely likely" in HSE speak. Several individuals have been observed apparently enjoying "surfing" on the Severn Bore and this must also be stamped out.

As a result, at 0200 GMT next Thursday, giant DDT bombs are to be exploded at 2 kilometre intervals around the globe in an attempt to destroy the butterfly kingdom.

An HSE spokesperson stated "We have proven beyond reasonable doubt that these butterflies are a national threat. We have installed CCTV around the Pacific Ocean but the butterflies camouflage themselves as leaves and sticks and stuff and we cannot identify the responsible individual fritillaries. Therefore we intend to delete all butterflies from the biosphere".

When asked how the HSE would prevent collateral extermination of other, essential species, the HSE spokesperson responded that warning notices would be placed in conspicuous positions and published in local newspapers.

A spokesperson for the Energy Ministry offered to solve the problem of the Severn Bore by building a Severn Barrage.

"Barrages to save butterflies" was suggested as a slogan for a new national campaign.

Lord Mangelson, Business Secretary and Minister With A Finger In Every Pie was heard distinctly chuckling from his haemmerhoid cushion.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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