SALEMS LOT, ME - Geneticists at the University of Maine Salems Lot Campus have announced a stunning breakthrough in the field of genetic splicing, at a news conference on Saturday afternoon.
"This is a wonderful feat of genetic engineering," said Dr. Dick N. Larger, PhD of the U of M's Mendelssohn's Laboratory.
"From now on, parents will not only be able to choose the sex of their children, but will also be able to choose to ignore vestigial nipples (which serve no purpose) on male children in favor of much larger, thicker penises," said Larger.
Not everyone is so enthusiastic about genetic engineering, it seems. Scores of Evangelical Christians picketed the Salems Lot campus beginning on Friday evening. Word of the discovery was leaked to the press by a so-called born again, Christian Scientist, Godama Bear, who was angry because he was denied tenure as a professor of Intelligent Design.
Pickets carried signs with such slogans as: "If God wanted men to have larger penises She would have made smaller vaginas!" and "God said 'Let man have useless nipples; I do!'" and "Genes are made to be worn, not spliced!"
Despite the picketing of the Anti-Splicers, as the protestors are known in Maine, prospective parents are already signing up for interviews at the Mendelssohn's Laboratory. They are required to give blood samples, social histories, and financial statements in order to qualify for the genetic splicing program.
However, not every couple is welcomed at the laboratory. Same sex couples are forbidden to apply for genetic splicing.
"No fucking faggots need apply," said Dick N. Larger.
"And if we find out that a bunch of queers slipped in with members of the opposite sex, posing as normal couples, just to fool us, we'll insert a gene into the child that will cause it to never leave home-at least not until it murders its parents," he said.