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Topics: Cucumbers

Tuesday, 4 August 2009

image for Shit Hits Fan When Spoof Writer Discovers New Miracle Compost

SAN FRANCISCO, CA - "Going Green" can have its consequences in a city like San Francisco, especially when writers discover innovative new ways to use other writers' material.

The call for more fertile gardening soil has spread like wildfire through a cramped city where the simple act of home-growing cucumbers in such limited space is nearly impossible. The San Francisco Onion believes he has found the solution.

"I'm taking this anger management class," explained the SFO. "Using a technique I learned, I printed out some of BuckwheatsButt's stories, then ripped the paper to smithereens, until there was nothing left but a few hanging chads. Later, I gathered up all the bits and pieces and added them to my compost."

He said what he discovered later that afternoon astounded him; several volunteer seedlings from a discarded gherkin had already grown to maturity and produced a new crop!

"I've found this stuff contains almost as much bullshit per sheet as a 50-pound bag of manure!" the spoof writer exclaimed, holding up a copy of Buck's latest article. "The only negative I can see here is that my carbon footprint is going to be smaller now when I kick him in the ass!"

But a dark cloud hangs over the San Francisco Onion's vegetable garden; BuckwheatsButt hired Ann Coulter to assassinate the gherkins, which now lay strewn about the garden, savagely hacked to pieces, never to grace a pickle jar or a spoof writer from Florida's back side.

The jealous writer had reportedly wanted to carefully hand-select the plumpest, juiciest gherkins for his own personal gratification. Upon being issued a stern no, Buck had sworn revenge.

"Which probably also means about another hundred or so bullshit articles," said the SFO, "but that's just fine with me, 'cause then I can feed the world, get rich, and retire!

"I'm almost out the game!"

Make The San Francisco Onion's day - give this story five thumbs-up (there's no need to register, the thumbs are just down there!)

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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