Written by Charlie Van Horn
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Wednesday, 14 July 2004

image for Markers Reduce Cholesterol, Scientists Baffled
Reduction of cholesterol with markers? Some say 'yes'

FENNIMORE, Wisconsin -- Researchers at the University of Wisconsin at Fennimore have determined that using markers somehow reduces cholesterol down to levels that are almost non-readable.

"We really were taken aback by this" said scientist Caryn Drummel. "It started by accident with us playing around with some Sharpies when one of our subjects fell asleep during a cardiogram, and the next thing you know, he's gone from being really fat to trim and healthy"

The findings seem to indicate that by covering approximately one third to one half of your body with marker ink twice a week, your level of cholesterol will drop safely and efficiently.

"If the patient just needs a slight reduction in their counts, like most Americans do, we suggest just covering a few toes or fingers each night in the color of their choice is the same as expensive medication" says Drummel.

The color or the type of marker doesn't seem to change the results. In a double blind test, subjects who applied White-Out to their bodies saw no change to their health.

"A few are skeptical of our conclusion," said lab assistant Josh Ceto, "But hey, I'd rather have a thumb colored green than be pushing up daisies from a grabber"

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Josh Ceto demonstrates the advanced technique

Several cholesterol reducing drug manufacturers are upset at these findings and intend to sue the school for what it says is "Bad research followed by a good dose of bull crap on paper"

"We just hope people eat smarter and use markers only on the advice of their doctor" noted Ceto as he applied another layer of Crimson Red to his cheeks. "The only other side effect that we know of is acne. Oh that and my horrific tooth decay, but I think that might have something to do with my poor diet and lack of hygiene"

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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