Washington, D.C. - The White House has confirmed today that North Korea launched a cyber attack against the United States government and Wall Street last week, using a Commodore 64 KB personal computer.
Though the cyber attack was easily fended off by declassified counter measures as simple as using outdated anti-viral software, officials remain concerned as to where the North Koreans got their hands on such sophisticated technology, by their standards, and how best to prepare for the unexpected that is undoubtedly coming next.
"We've all seen what they can do with an 'Estes Launchables Starter Rocket Set Kit for Kids," said a White House spokesman, referring to the successful test missile launches of the Kim Jong Il dictatorship. "So we are very concerned with what they can do on their next attempt at a cyber attack when they switch over to an Apple II personal computer - God help us all. It could be the end of civilization, as we know it. No more e-mail! No more Twittering! No more downloadable free porn!"
Authorities were baffled as to how the North Koreans acquired the Commodore 64, until they intercepted a warranty card sent via e-mail.
According to that warranty card, the Commodore 64 was purchased by the North Korean intelligence agency by a mail-order catalogue from a K-Mart department store sometime back in1985.
"The purchase was made using a coupon as well for a Blue Light 'Buy a Commodore 64 and get two submarine sandwiches for free' Special," said the White House.
"However, due to the slow and unreliable delivery of their almost nonexistent postal service, the North Koreans did not receive the computer and submarine sandwiches until sometime late last month," said a spokesman for the Pentagon. "Also, satellite telemetry indicates the submarine sandwiches were still eatable at the time of delivery -- Boy those suckers sure last a long time, don't they?"
The White House says that it took the North Koreans several weeks to overcome three major logistical problems before they could connect it to the Internet.
"The first was getting a landline installed into their country," said White House officials "The second was getting electricity restored to the capitol long enough to carryout the attack. And the third was how to set up the personal computer, once they got it out of the box."
Of course, by then they had to figure out how they were going to pay for the provider service as well, since no one in the country had a credit card. And they had to look up the term credit card in the dictionary, as no one knew what that meant.
Authorities believe the North Koreans finally got a hold of a stolen credit card on the Nigerian black market, using their underworld criminal contacts.
"We have indisputable evidence that the North Koreans turned over valuable intercontinental ballistic missile technology, weapons grade Uranium and a couple of tickets to the London premier kicking off Michael Jackson's 50-show tour in the exchange," said the White House spokesman. "No wait. That can't be right. I'm sorry. I was reading an intelligence report from the previous administration. But I can confirm they traded the Michael Jackson tickets. So if you come across a pair, it is up to you if you want to keep them or turn them in for a refund. But personally, I'd keep them because it's a little piece of history."
Officials also believe the North Koreans actually planned to start their cyber attack a lot sooner too.
"However, since Kim Jong Il was using the county's one newly installed telephone at the time of the planned attack to order "Ronco Hair Products for Men", the North Korean intelligence officers had to wait until the landline was clear to get a dialup connection to carryout their cyber assault on the West," said a White House official.
"I don't know," said a JPL technician in Pasadena, California, sounding a cautionary and sobering tone about what can be done with so little computer memory. "Maybe we shouldn't be laughing so hard. After all, we got things running up there on little more and in some cases, even less."