Written by Kenneth Manboobs
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Topics: Dogs, Family

Friday, 9 July 2004

image for Dogs May Anticipate Stupidity in Children, Study Shows
Timmy (child) gets into the cat's litter box, while Gypsy (dog) goes to town

Can you really know if little Johnny or Betsy will be a smart, upstanding adult or just another bump in the road working at a drive through? The answer may actually lie with your family dog, according to a new preliminary study.

About 65 percent of families with stupid children said they noticed their dogs reacting in "funny ways" early on in the child's life. About 20 percent of the animals were able to identify "real dumbasses", according to a study that focused on lower-middle class to poor people living in manufactured housing.

Scientist at the Center for Slow People of the Alberta, Canada - home of mostly slow people, are totally baffled by the study. Alex Truffle, the scientist heading the study implied they weren't surprised at the results as much as the fact that "they actually let us study something like this. This means they might actually approve my funding to study the effects of beer on high school chicks."

``We basically spent a few months trailing around kids and dogs, dogs and kids'' said Truffle, a seventh-year graduate student. ``We started with the premise that all kids fall down and that dogs really like to ‘hump' the kids - it's a domination thing. Anyway, our basic supposition is that the kids that continue to take it, so to speak, are the ones that we deemed as ‘stupid'.''

One family said its Chihuahua/Spitz mix would attack their toddler day and night. On another occasion an Akita went to town on a clumsy 8-year-old while the family filmed the incident for Canada's version of America's Funniest Videos, aptly named Canada's Funniest Videos.

"We're finding that the more neglectful the parents are, the more the child tends to get humped. A sure sign of a one big fat zero of a kid," concluded the study that will be published in the Canadian Journal of Scientific Stuff, or Teen People as it is known in the U.S.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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