After centuries of searching, scientists today finally announced the discovery of an intelligent American politician.
Speaking from the Texas University of Extreme Braininess, Professor Zbigniev Waterski said: 'It had to come, we had many advances since the 1950s. The what you might call 'red herrings' we came across in our research in the 1960s and 70s, John and Bobby Kennedy, Richard Nixon and Jimmy Carter, had most scientists refusing to even consider the possibility of intelligent American politicians.
And of course the arrival of Ronald Reagan, then George W Bush and John McCain, seemed to confirm the doubters. And when Hillary Clinton, someone who believes in imaginary tales of being shot at, became US Secretary of State but doesn't even know which country she's in, our funding had nearly dried up.'
'But just as we were packing up our instruments and switching off the CNN Children's channel, that's always on in televisions in every American university, one of our researchers suddenly burst into the room shouting 'Eureka! Eureka!', and we of course thought he was delivering another Greek lunch for us, but instead he had some dramatic news.
'I've found an intelligent American politician!', he explained to us excitedly, and we gathered around him like the chorus in a Broadway musical, ready for him to burst into song about his girl, but he merely put a newspaper onto the table with a picture of a man with a beard in a suit in it, looking particularly stern and moralistic, like a preacher about to ask you if you're saved.
'This guy is amazing', the researcher said, 'he stood up for what he believed in, he was smart and respected, he even fought a whole war to bring about justice for millions of American people, not just to play war games in the Middle East for control of oil supplies.'
'We have finally found an intelligent American politician!' But there was an awkward silence around the room, and it fell to me to point out the slight snag about this amazing discovery.
'Er, that man is Abraham Lincoln', I told him, 'you've found an 1800s copy of the New York Post. And I'm afraid he's long dead, so ...' 'So we've failed!', the researcher angrily shouted, 'and now we're stuck with puppets like Barack Obama, or even worse Ted Kennedy or Hillary 'Sherpa' Clinton, what are we going to do?'
'What we must now do', I replied, putting on my steven-spielberg-end-of-movie voice that has made American films so nauseating, 'is to take this flag, and hold it up high, and put our hands on our hearts, and sing 'The Star-Bangled Banner'. Are you with me?',
and lots of 'Yes,sir!'s and 'Woohoo's broke out, plus a few 'Hmm mmm's, and it no longer mattered that there were no longer any intelligent American politicians, or that we couldn't win wars we started, for now we had a piece of red, white and blue cloth to look up to.
And the censors all lived happily ever after, writing about parts of the body and each other's personal lives, and the USA carried on electing clowns and tokens and losing wars they had started, and the big, bad British sat laughing at the once might United States of America til they got bored with it, and went off to play some golf.
Arnold Schwarzenegger is 3 this week.