Written by Randal McVicious
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Topics: Penguins

Thursday, 2 July 2009

image for The Penguins of Drought?
cheerful chaps cause eco-genocide

Specialist archeological climatologists today met each other and themselves in Fez. Aside from millinery concerns, these blowers and diggers were there to discuss the findings of a recent expedition in the Gobi Desert, Mongolia.

In one of the harshest environments known to man and polo player alike, could we answer one of mankind's oldest questions: Why are there no Penguins in the Arctic?

Fossils found deep in ancient alluvial escarpments are thought to be closely related to the modern penguin, and the sheer number of them - estimated at 2.3 million 'Neander-guins'- has led scientists to a chilling hypothesis.

Leading researcher Dr. Hubertus Sphenisciformes idly commented that "the penguins seem to have come through the area now known as the Gobi during the last ice age on a mission of avian world domination, utilising a long ice ramp that stretched all the way from the Arctic Circle. It is thought that some kind of Hysteria or Ennui must have erupted amongst them, because these giant penguins, the Icadyptes salasi, bottle necked in the Altai range area".

According to Dr. Sphenisciformes, this directly contributed to the extremely arid conditions in the Gobi today, as "all funneled together at close to the speed of sound, their superheated beaks collectively burrowing under the Eurasian fault line and opening an underground lava flow.."

No doubt this pyroclastic performance would have resulted in a wonderful steamed penguin buffet at the time, but it also hints at a darker past for the tuxedo wearing krill-eaters.

Roger McGuinn was asked to comment but declined, suggesting that his involvement was tenuous at best and that he didn't play with Byrds anymore...

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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