Written by matwil
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Sunday, 14 June 2009

image for Pig catches politicians' 'flu
The patient after receiving his caviar and champagne medication

A pig in Shropshire, England, today became the first animal to catch the human illness of politicians' flu. The pandemic of politicians' 'flu has spread across the world in recent months, and scientists feared it was only a matter of time before a mutant strain of it affected animals.

'The symptoms shown by the pig are similar to the human ones', Professor Scratching said, from Glamorgan Universisty. 'Compulsive eating everything it can out of its trough, making loud grunting noises whenever a television camera appears, and of course compulsively stealing anything it can, denying stealing everything it can, and then resigning for not stealing anything it can after being being caught doing it.'

'Also, the 'flu has made the pig become slimy and brown and bloated, though that may be due to wallowing in dirty money for the last six years, rather than any illness.'

The pig has been placed in quarantine in a castle on the Bahama Islands, and fed the special anti-politicians' 'flu diet of truffles, caviar and smoked salmon, while for drink the moat is filled every day with champagne.

'This is to make sure the animal doesn't spread the 'flu to other creatures', Professor Scratching said, 'so it's essential for the well-being of British voters' pets that it stays in its Bahamas castle for a few months.'

'The money the government will spend on the pig will also give the newspapers something to fill their pages up with, rather than trying to explain why British soldiers are dying for American oil in the Middle East, and why British politics has become a farce, consisting of lots of sleazy thieves without a single policy between them fiddling their expenses claims while doing bugger all else, while taxpayers pay for them to do it.'

But the pig itself, after wandering round its new estate in the Caribbean, said: 'I'm only an animal, how could I speak to you? Please, now leave me to try and work out how I can claim for a second castle I'll never stay in, and pay all my relations to clean the two residences from a thousand miles away. Oink.'

WHO officials were preparing to release warnings and scaremongerings to the press, as one case of politicians' 'flu is almost as dangerous to the world as the pandemic of swine 'flu, though dictionary-compilers pointed out that pandemics usually affect tens or even hundreds of millions of people.

The Black Death refused to make any comment.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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