Written by matwil
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Saturday, 23 May 2009

image for Swine 'flu catches apostrophe flu

In a complication to the widespread lack of panic or even interest in Britain over the media obsession with swine 'flu, a new outbreak hit the country today, one of apostrophe flu.

Said Dr' Mengele O'Goebbels from his government-funded laboratory-conservatory in Oxenheim, 'The symptoms of the virus are easy to determine. Sufferers, who are still able to work and play, and even work at playing Scrabble, show an increasing tendency to use apostrophes' when they are not needed.'

'The outbreak, of course, began in the United States' of America in 1972, at a McDonald's so-called 'restaurant' - we call such places abbatoirs for diseased, chemically-drugged animals' - and began spreading eastwards' across the Atlantic Ocean.'

'And not even that mighty ocean, the mightiest and most democratic ocean in the world, an ocean that has avoided two World Wars' and made the movies to prove it, an ocean that -'

But as a passing surgeon ended that poor scientists' misery, as he'd clearly caught not only apostrophe 'flu but also obamitis - the compulsive urge to talk endless drivelling cliches, like a cross between a snake-oil salesman and an evangelical preacher - a new Minister for Apostrophe Flu was appointed by the British Government, to buy lots of trees and swimming pools and dinners' at the S'avoy, to help combat the epidemic.

'The epidemic', said the Minister, Hazel O'Thieves', 'will, under this government - another bottle of Dom Perignon, please, waiter - will be subject to - not the caviar, just the foie gras this time, thank you - where was I? Am I on a fact-finding holiday in Nassau? No? Ah, I'm still in boring old London, OK.'

'Well, the whole point of this', this outbreak of flu - or even 'flu - is, of course to try and keep a bunch of cheap liars, crooks and swindlers out of the news'. And no, I don't mean the Labour Party! OK, I do. Excuse me, I need to phone up Harrod's', to order my essential MPs' supply of socialist bullshit to feed my own ego, and my constituents' delusions'.

A passing pig was heard to matter: 'Hope I don't catch whatever Hazel has ... yuk'. Expect a new strain of 'flu to magically appear at the next Labour Partys' conference. '


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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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