Washington, DC--Surgeon General Richard H. Carmona today announced that the US Post Office will serve as the primary scientific site for a study of hypertension in adult Americans.
"The Post Office is the perfect setting in which to explore the mysteries of hypertension," said Dr. Carmona.
"For example, does blood pressure rise after a person has waited in line for 30 minutes? Or does it only rise after a person has waited in line for 45 minutes, when there is one comatose clerk, 27 cranky people in line, and 7 little old ladyies paying with pennies for 17 packages?"
President Bush applauded this effort to use public insitutions as scientific study sites. "Post office workers are satisfied with a couple of boxes of Russell Stover candy at the holidays," he siad. "They won't bother me like doctors do about those nasty stem cells. And, if we use the Post Office for mail service and for scientific research, we'll have more money we can cut from other domestic services to send to Iraq."
Postal clerks will be required to take the blood pressure of individuals entering the post office to buy stamps or mail packages. They will use the traditional blood pressure cuffs used in physicians' offices but will not be trained in their correct use, in an effort to cut health care costs.
If an individual's blood pressure is below a certain, secret point that is also tied in to the terror alert red-orange-yellow system, that individual will be allowed to proceed. If not, he or she can donate his or her money or package to an ultra-conservative charity, to Halliburton's legal defense, or to Vice President Cheney, or try again to mail the packae at a new time assigned by the postal clerk.
"The deliverable message is this: it's better for your health and your ability to send mail via USPS to remain calm in the post office," said Dr. Carmona.
Preliminary study results will undergo severe and robust statistical analysis and will be released to the public by 2017. In the meantime, considering using Fedex, UPS, DHL, or Airborne Express if you are skittish about having your blood pressure taken or experience white coat hypertension when approached by an individual seeking to perform a health care procedure.