Written by matwil
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Tuesday, 19 May 2009

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The parasite

Scientists in Oxford today announced the discovery of new forms of human parasites, the Primi Ministeriae, and began reseaching effective pesticides to get rid of them.

'The parasites were spotted in West London', parasitologist Dr Jeckyll Wormtape said, 'where they had attached themselves to a party of labourers, and cunningly disguised themselves as insects with large left wings.'

'But slowly and surely they sucked the blood out of the labourers, destroying their vitality, until all they could do was use their right hands to fill out endless expenses claim forms.'

'My pesticide - 'Sleazebusta' - will be guaranteed to make the Primi Ministeriae parasites die a hideous death at the polls. Of course we could just shoot the hosts, it would save a lot of time and money, but where else could we find such excellent material for comedy as Westminster? Though the Primi Ministeriae may be like the Pope - as soon as you bump one off, another Popes up, hahaha!'

The government will be using it's annual health scare budget and nanny state surplus to bring out leaflets regarding the parasite, and voters should be wary of putting crosses on pieces of paper, as that is a sure way of encouraging the Primi Ministeriae.

'Don't even so much as cross the road to put a cross on a piece of paper', Sir Jekyll added, 'as you'll only end up feeling very - er - cross, if you cross the road to put a cross on a ... well, anyway, 'Sleazebusta' will be available at all good pharmacies and WRVS canteens, so ... want to have some free two-tone hair dye?'

'I invented it last year but it didn't work, had to give some away to a nutter who came in here saying he wanted to make his hair look like a badger's that's been attacked by a herd of zebras. Claimed to be Chancellor of the Exchequer too, I asks you!'

Plans were being made by the government to force Dr Wormtape to commit suicide in some woods, and if he didn't want to commit suicide they would send round their 'Department Kelly' agents.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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