Written by Lettuce
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Topics: chickens

Monday, 11 May 2009

image for Chickens - stressed as f%#k!
Stressed? How about a nice cup o tea and a bit of toast?

A vague unnamed possibly scientific report, has stated that, whether battery or free range, chickens are all on edge, and, if only they had an opposable thumb they'd be heading into a bank with a mask and a shot gun. The report further stated that apparently some hairy bloke 10 times the size of you, coming and nicking your babies every day is a stressful experience.

The report author, Prof. Jeff Jefferson, a beardy scientist, said "well actually it just shows that wherever they are chickens are stressed, and if they were humans they be high as a kite on valium". He continued: "that said, have you ever seen a chicken in the wild, they're scared of their bloody shadow". When asked about buying cage over free range eggs he said: "well given the choice would you rather be in a cage, with your mate pecking you in the arse, or, would you rather have a bit of a run around, oh, you're just too tight to by free range and want to by cage eggs guilt free? well, sure do whatever the hell you like".

The NZ News Online took this breaking story to the supermarket, the bastion of all evil, to find ordinary New Zealanders views. Sharon Sharonsin, currently on the unemployment benefit said: "well, I would like to buy free range but seeing as I can only afford a half dozen eggs every 2 weeks then I have to stick with the cage ends."

Tom Smith, a sadist from Birkenhead said "Well, I actually buy the cruelty enhanced version were they poke them with hot pokers, it's got nothing to do with taste or cost. I'm just a prick".

Jenny Jones, a vegetarian from Hamilton said: "So, you think cruelty is ok?" and then jabbed her fingers in the eyes of our NZ news reporter.

So, finally, the report will be taken as gospel until the next report comes along.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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