SYRACUSE, SICILY- Sometimes extreme situations call for drastic measures. With human activity gradually warming the planet, threatening the survival of our species, Kirstie Alley and Oprah Winfrey will reportedly move the Earth into an orbit slightly further from the Sun by means of a giant lever. The decrease in solar energy received at this greater distance should compensate for global warming trends, they say.
Alley is credited to have come up with the idea while using a tub of water to determine if Oprah's crown contained any impurities or cheap metal alloys.
Oprah will finance the project, the first task of which will be to construct a lever approximately 350,000 miles long. With the moon as a fulcrum, the mega-stars will apply their mass to the lever, lifting the Earth.
At its new distance from the Sun of 1.02 AU, the Earth should begin a slight cooling trend over the next couple of decades, returning to temperatures more like those that prevailed in Archimedes' time.
"And it's about time, girlfriend!" said Alley. "It's already too damn hot in here. Don't you think so, 'O'?"
"Girl, let's just get this over with so I can get back to my loyal subjects, okay?" said Oprah, tapping her scepter impatiently on the throne room floor.