There was concern this evening for controversial spoof news 'writer', Monkey Woods, after it emerged that Swine Flu had arrived in the West Midlands town of Dudley, and was lodged in his throat.
UK health experts say they have 'no idea' how Woods came to contract the virus, but stressed they are monitoring the situation.
Woods is known to have travelled by train to Birmingham International Airport on Monday evening on a spoof-related matter, and may have come into contact with it there.
"I wuz alright on Monday night, I keep tellin yer. It wuz on Tuesday mornin' when I wock up, an' me throat wuz all sore. I 'ad a gargle wi' some Lucozade, but it just got werse. After 'ad signed on at dole, it just got badder an' badder. I musta bin sat next t' some filthy mingin' tramp on the bus!"
Initial tests were due to be administered on Woods at home, but when doctors turned up at his residence, he locked the side gate so that they could not gain access to the property. He shouted out of an upstairs window:
"Piss off! Cart y'see? It's Swine Fever or whatever. I need isolating like that filmecker, Tintin Quarantino!"