London - (Crackling Ass Mess): The UK Surgeon General remains in cynical mood tonight despite reports that The Body Chop's patented Hogwash! skin lotion made from genetically modified pork ejaculate will ward off 99% of swine fever symptoms.
Sir Liam Donaldson slammed the practise of 'milking' dodgy Wild English Bores (sic) for their semen as a crude Aleister Crowley-inspired bestial ritual with absoultely no scientific basis.
His comments came as a blow to the UK alternative medicines industry which has already spent several million pounds on teasing the spunk out of Gloucestershire Old Spots in a bid to make a quick killing during the current swine fever pandemic.
However Sir Liam's caution had little impact on Sarah Ferguson, Duchess of Pork, who was last seen performing an act of unparallelled bestiality on her favorite Vietnamese Pot Bellied pig, Rufus.
Prince Charles is oozing with pustules.