Written by matwil
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Friday, 24 April 2009

image for First successful brain transplant for an American President
'My brain is too smart to be transplanted into an American President's head', said Dolly

In a world first, scientists today managed to transplant a perfectly normal and intelligent brain into the skull of an American President.

Speaking from Chicago's St. Ignatz Hospital, Dr. Rosemary Clooney said: 'It seemed an impossible task, getting an intelligent brain transferred into a President. But looks like we did it! The patient - Mr. Abraham Alhambra - is resting now, but is expected to be out of here in four years.'

But then the door opened, and Alhambra himself wandered in. 'We can take our meds', he announced, 'we can waffle and waffle until the cows drop dead with boredom at my long and unneccessarily lengthness of, what we can only boldy split, is -'. 'See!', Dr. Clooney pointed out, 'an American President with an intelligent brain!'

But after a second opinion was asked for, the hospital's top consultant Dr. Seuss said: 'At first the signs of intelligence seem obvious after the brain transplant. Polite, intelligent speech, lots of intellectual mentions of economics and global policies, etc.'

'But after a while I noticed that Mr. Alhambra wasn't actually saying anything at all, to be honest, and was in fact sounding rather like a patient with Alzheimer's - he kept repeating the same few sentences and phrases that are, when you look closely enough, almost totally meaningless.'

'It sure sounds very impressive, but I'm afraid the transplant has failed and we have yet another idiotic American President on our hands. The kindest thing would be to send him off to Europe or somewhere, where he can wander around in a trance and wave and point at people.'

And scientists in Europe were suggesting that Dolly the sheep, the world's first cloned animal, could supply the next President's brain, but the sheep herself wasn't too keen on the idea.

'Apart from the unpleasantness of my brain being removed', she said, 'all that crap about the colour of my wool and where did my ancestors come from, and pretending I'm American when I'm not would get me down a bit. But at least you won't be disappointed by my four years of going 'baa, baa, baa, baa', like a black sheep with no brains.'

Next week scientists will attempt to put an intelligent brain into a British Prime Minister - Gordon Brown had the operation last year, but unfortunately it went wrong, and he began talking like a four year-old retarded child and pretending he was a slimy lizard.

Luckily the scientists have a seemingly endless stream of American Presidents to experiment on.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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