Written by wasabiphil
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Tuesday, 7 April 2009

image for Time Travel Works, Language Instructor Says (Said?)

Billy Pilgrimage, language teacher at Palm Springs Montessori and amateur inventor, announces at a press conference of science journalists that he creates (yesterday) a time machine that actually works.

"I am not really much of an inventor," he reports, "but I have a lot of motivation to come up with this time machine. My students," he continues, "seem to be able to learn the present tense of any language at the drop of a hat. However, they stumble badly over the past tense, the future tense, the future perfect, the pluperfect and any other tenses linguists care to come up with. It occurs to me (just a little while ago) that if the past is really the present which is also really the future, then there is no need to have these superfluous tenses at all."

Reporters are interested to find out that the time machine is constructed with chicken wire from last year's Easter Parade float form in the shape of a large bunny rabbit and power by the oxidation of the wire. Several step into the bunny and return a few minutes later confirming that they do indeed travel to the past (which is just the way they remember) or the future where everyone, it seems, speaks in the present tense only.

"It is really pretty easy to avoid the other tenses," says Pilgrimage. "You rely on context or just put in some parenthetical explanations. For example, instead of saying, 'The cow jumped over the moon.' you say, 'The cow jumps (a little while ago) over the moon.' or instead of, 'Little Bo Peep has lost her sheep.' you say, 'Little Bo Peep loses her sheep (fairly recently.)'"

One of the reporters asked Pilgrimage if he really thought that we would all lose the ability to speak in other tenses. "No," Pilgrimage replies, "we all lose (in the future) the ability to speak in other tenses. I just no can wait (also at some point in the future.)"

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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