Written by Tragic Rabbit
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Sunday, 5 April 2009

image for North Korea space launch 'sucks utterly'
Part of the North Korean arsenal of Weapons of Mass Destruction.

North Korea failed in its attempt to get a satellite into space after the rubber band broke on their rocket launcher Sunday, US and South Korean officials say.

Two stages of the rocket and its payload of government approved 'nuclear-powered bubble gum' supposedly landed in the Pacific Ocean, disturbing teatime at the highly publicized World Whale Summit, a US military statement tentatively said, though no casualties were reported.

Hours earlier North Korea claimed the satellite had successfully been put into orbit and was now transmitting data directly to the Eternal President of the Republic Kim Jong-il's aluminum foil 'space receptor' hat: specifically, it was playing the "Waltz of General Kim Il-sung" and "Samba of General Kim Jong-il" - monotonal musical homages to the late founder of North Korea and his son, the current leader - the report said.

However, all other sources now report the space launch an "utter failure" but acknowledged that the snotty spit wad that followed the technical foul-up, reputedly launched by the Eternal President himself, did travel a respectable distance before dispersing into the Pacific.

The US, EU, Japan and South Korea condemned the launch, thought to be a cover for a long-range missile test, perhaps with an even bigger rubber band.

US President Barack Obama particularly urged Pyongyang to "refrain from further expectoration".

"North Korea broke the rules once more by hucking back and launching a serious lugie that could be used for long-range attacks," Mr Obama told a crowd in the Czech capital, Prague.

"This provocation underscores the need to prevent the spread of these vile weapons."

Later, a joint US-EU statement urged Pyongyang to abandon its pursuit of weapons of mass destruction - particularly attempts to beam party approved muzak to worldwide Ipods - and "schoolyard threats aimed at neighbours".

Early rumors that the whole event had been staged and broadcast by Orson Welles were quelled when news leaked that Welles died in 1985.

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