Research in India has suggested that a cheap five-in-one pill for politicians could become a reality soon. Taking the pill will reduce the risk of an MP fiddling his or her expenses, cut down the chances of claiming for more than two homes, and make hundreds of thousands of untraceable expenses pounds become traceable.
It will also help cut down on the amount of waffling done, thus lessening the amount of shouting 'Hear, hear!' like a deranged baboon every two minutes, and make the recipient lose interest in hiring pornographic movies using government money.
Speaking from his laboratory in Mumbai, Professor Franco Di Stein said: 'We researched the prettypoly pill by testing it out on local street children, and found that within minutes of taking them the kids stopped begging for money.'
'They also stopped waffling nonsense, but a regrettable side effect was that some began beating their chests like gorillas and making monkey noises, and shouting 'Hear, hear!' now and then, but the pill is still at its prototype level. But we are also pleased that the children didn't claim money for two homes, though having none at all might explain that. More work is needed to make it a five-in-one pill, though.'
And on hearing the news, Home Secretary Jacqui 'Oo Er Missus' Smith said: 'Hmm, bit late for that for me. Though I could always slip one of the pills into my husband's dinner!' And Foreign Secretary Hillary Sherpa added: 'I'd been hoping to go for a holiday in India, I can still get it free on expenses before the pills are ready for the market. Whew!'
The new prettypoly pill was also tested on parrots, but it was found that a parrot's brain is far more advanced than a politician's one, and that parrots are too smart to try and buy porn with public funds, or to claim for more homes than they actually use.
But they're quite good at flapping their wings and making lots of loud, squawking noises, so would fit in nicely at Prime Minister's question time.