In another world exclusive, Professor Phil Myars of Wigan University granted me a preview of his latest alarming study due to be published in the Lancet later this week. The respected professor and his team predict that the number of Lesbians in the UK will double by the year 2070.
The Professor explained his theory over lunch at one of Wigan's finer eating establishments. "It's quite simple really. In the past Lesbian women were obviously unwilling to reproduce with men. Some did of course, and this activity served to keep the numbers at the current level as published by the O.N.S. for 2007 of 1.73% of the female population. Since the onset of artificial fertilization, and the decreasing cost of such treatment, lesbian women are having more and more babies. Not all of these will be lesbian of course, some will be straight, but my studies show that they are five times more likely to be lesbian than a baby born to a non lesbian mother."
At this point the professor paused to feed one his homing pigeons a small piece of meat and potato pie, "he can't get enough of it", he quipped "I think that's why he keeps finding his way back to me" he chuckled.
"Lesbians professor", I prompted, to return him to the point.
"Good god where?" He responded, glancing around Pete's Pie Emporium somewhat nervously.
"No you were telling me about your latest study on Lesbians"
"Oh yes. This increased reproductive activity will usher in a major societal upheaval for this country. This has already started. Lesbian women are unwilling to go into many of what until now has been considered traditional work such as secretarial work hairdressing etc. Would you like some more mushy peas by the way? Ah well all the more for me".
"Obviously many of these female roles could have been filed by Gay men but as my recent study showed all gay men will be extinct by 2070. So it is a double whammy!"
"More and more women will have to be employed in the Armed Forces" he went on, "or as Security Guards and as Bricklayers, which may trigger a reaction from straight men. Britain in fifty years will be a pressure cooker of socio-sexual economic tension about to explode."
The professor outlined an even more chilling prospect for all red blooded straight men such as your intrepid reporter when he added "Where are the lasses of the next century going to come from? Would you want to be stepping out with a lass with more tattoos and muscles than you? Granted it is a godsend for ugly birds and Thai brides but the English rose of the last century could soon be a thing of the past.
Dy Myars can be contacted at the Social Economic studies School of Wigan University. Wigan is a small mining village near to St Helens, Lancashire. It has its own dialect and cultural heritage. Its most famous son was the late great Eddie Waring to whom there is a statue outside the village post office.