Nashville, KY - A new study being released this week by the Lyons Institute reveals that over 85 percent of Americans suffer from a condition doctors are calling 'complete end-stage cerebral necrosis'.
Possible causes of the condition have been identified as: reality television, overuse of cellphones, common sense deficiencies (CSD), and Rush Limbaugh.
"In the last ten years alone, cases of cerebral necrosis have quadrupled, encompassing nearly all of the South and most of the rural areas covering the rest of the country," states researcher David Newton.
"I guess in many ways it was inevitable. We're actually shutting the research program down due to lack of interest, plus we all want to get home in time to watch American Idol. I can't believe they haven't voted that blind guy off yet. He's no Stevie Wonder, as we all learned last week."
Currently, there is no known cure for cerebral necrosis.