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Saturday, 21 March 2009

image for Royal firm's adverts 'a load of bollocks'
'Quack, quack, quack'

Adverts for two herbal remedies, made by Bonny Prince Charlie's firm Quacky Aboriginal Nonsensicals, are 'complete and utter bollocks', the regulatory group Medicines That Often Dowork, MTOD, said today.

'The ads are total pish', MTOD's chief executive, Gary Lineacre, said, 'I've never read more ridiculous garbage than them. One so-called remedy, for warts, is made up of horse manure, dandelions, and microwaved ants, and the advert said: 'Horse manure, dandelions and ants mixed together cures warts.'

'Honest. Just take one horsemanurey, dandelionesque ant drop, and place it on the wart. Then say the magic word, which we only tell you if you pay £17-99 for one tiny bottle of this glorious and ancient medicine, and voila! One's wart vanishes, just before it's time for a spot of elephant hunting with one's dad.''

'And the other said: 'Got athlete's foot? Niff a bit around the ankles? Take one tablet of oak bark, one made of tortoise toenail clippings and armadillo droppings, and a little glass of irradiated heavy 'Buckinghamston' water, and see the effect immediately. One won't be ashamed again when one's servants put on one's socks for one before breakfast!''

But the Prince defended the adverts, saying: 'Look, um, you know, what? I mean to say, can't you press johnnies leave me alone? Don't you understand the, the complex organic and herbalistical, er, nature of things, and whatnot? It's not just a matter of jumping on any new or old bandwagon, to make out that I'm really on the polo ball when it comes to, um, well, any greeny sort of caringy sort of gardeny stuff, don'tcha know.'

'If you come from my sort of tough, working-class background, tha makes do with old-fashioned and traditional remedies for colic, rickets and 'ooping cough, tha's nay choice but to use sooch stoof, bah gum.'

And his wife, Lady Godzilla von Bowling-Partner Parsley added: 'I'm a friendly herbal remedy called Parsley, you can buy it in any shop, it doesn't cost £17-99 a bottle, please don't give our ads the chop.' In Athens, Aristotle Archimedes also said:

'If you want nature's help to cure any ailments, get plenty of fresh air and sleep, take mild regular exercise, and eat and drink healthily. And don't be conned into buying quack herbal remedies made by people who know nothing about medicines, herbal or otherwise. Iron Brew is probably more effective than them for general ailments, as is fruit and vegetables, and tap water.'

Bonnie Prince Charlie has left the building in his Royal hovercraft, with twelve of his servants, to go and see his doctor for what he called 'a bit of gip in one's wrist - got it counting one's money, while the gardeners were planting potatoes and the other staff were filling up my train with diesel. Toodle pip!' MOTD may show highlights of the advertisements later.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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