Computer manufacturer Hell has launched what it calls 'the world's crappest laptop'. The Alamo weighs next to nothing, due to having less memory than a pocket calculator, and can be folded into your pocket, or simply dropped into the nearest bin.
A spokesman for Hell told the BBC that the Alamo was 'an excuse to get us some free publicity for our dreadful products, thanks', and denied that Hell's computers are so bad that a mobile phone has better features and more portability. 'The primary reason for the launch is to keep Hell at the bargain basement end of the market', he added, 'a sort of up-to-date Sinclair-cum-Woolworth's-cum-Lidl's-own-brand sort of image. You know, so bad you're embarrassed to even be seen buying it, let only using it, but so cheap you can't help yourself.'
But when it was pointed out that the new Hell computers aren't in fact very cheap, the spokesman said 'Huh? But, er, they cost nothing to make, how can they be so expensive? Better get in touch with the manager, I don't want Hell starting trying to go all up-market and sophisticated, would mean the end of our company's image as the thickos' kiddy cheapo computer makers for dummies who live in council schemes to buy. Buy, buy, buy ... bye bye.'
But Microsap founder Bill Bates supported Hell's laptop launch. 'Just as I copied Apple and made Windows a crap imitation that everyone hates, so will Hell's crap laptops make them plenty of money but be hated by everyone. Though they should change the name from Alamo to Craptop!'
'The Alamo was a disaster and an embarrassing failure, that only Hollywood turned into a heroic event - maybe Hell should get them to make a movie about their laptops, and call it 'Kings of the Mild Pioneer'. Or maybe not. Want to buy Hotmail from me? Had three previous owners and no longer works, but it's full of groovy features that ...'
DOS was unavailable for comment at the news.