Written by Vondrook
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Topics: Americans, Gravity

Tuesday, 17 March 2009

Washington D.C.- Partial results of the latest census performed by the U.S. Census Bureau was released today with troubling revelations. Apparently, 42% of the country's population does not believe in gravity.

The Census Bureau is shocked by the results. Bureau spokesman David Clark commented on the issue. "I know it is our job to simply put the questionnaire out there and count the results, but I think something needs to be said about this, and that is, 'What the (expletive), America?!'"

The 2004 Census raised debate inside the Bureau after it was reported that 46% of U.S. citizens do not believe in the theory of evolution, and the Census Bureau decided that they were going to probe deeper into America's ignorance for the 2008 questionnaire. Questions such as "Do you believe the moon is made of cheese?" and "Do you believe in air?" were posted on the latest questionnaire.

Does it seem like an exploitation of the American people? "We were just trying to get a feel for where the country is right now," said Clark in the Bureau's defense. "And yes, I guess we did have a little fun at the country's expense, 'cause we were making bets inside the office on the results. I know Frank Hughes came up with some real gems to put on the questionnaire that had us cracking up for days."

Clark and his co-workers did laugh quite heartily...until the results came in. The full results have not been released yet, but so far the Census reports that:

  • 15% do not believe in bread,
  • 12% do not believe in those little plastic things at the ends of shoelaces,
  • 32% do not believe in cancer,
  • 55% do not believe in Jews,
  • 65% do not believe the Earth revolves around the Sun.
  • However, 97% believe in the existence of leprechauns.


"I know this started out as a joke," said Clark. "And I wish I could take it all back, but I can't. The rest of the world is laughing at us right now, even France."

The Census Bureau's standpoint of complete objectiveness has been compromised by their frustration. "I really don't want to single anyone out, since it is not really our place, but I think I speak for all of us at the Census Bureau when I plead to the citizens of Alabama especially, to please get some science books. Either get some science books, or stop procreating."

For the 2012 National Census, Clark promises to avoid any questions that may reveal the actual intellectual vulnerability of the average American. "If it's any consolation," Clark said in closing, "we didn't cash in on any of our inside bets at the office, because as you can see, nobody wins with these results."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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