Written by Shaworth
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Tuesday, 17 March 2009

image for All Gays Extinct By 2070
Scenes like this could soon be a thing of the past

In another world exclusive, a preview of an alarming study due to be published in the Lancet this week that predicts that homosexual men will be a thing of the past by the year 2070.

Professor Phil Myars of Wigan University explained his theory over lunch at one of Wigan's finest eating establishments. "It's quite simple really. In the past Gay men were stigmatised and had to hide their shirt-lifting activities. They often lead double lives and got married and had children. In today's society gayness is not just acceptable it is actively celebrated.

"For this reason gay men are now having open gay relationships and not bothering to mate with females. This lack of mating activity means that gay men will be extinct in about sixty years time when the current crop dies out. How is your pie by the way?"

Dr Myars went on to paint a bleak picture for how society would be affected. "Obviously industries like hairdressing and interior design will be hardest hit, but organisations such as the BBC, Channel 4, MI5 and the Metropolitan Police will also be badly affected. Some gays may continue to be born in places like Sunderland, Salford and Bootle, were mincing around in a pink shell suit with your boyfriend is still frowned upon. But numbers will be far too low to have much impact nationally."

I later interviewed Dec of Ant and Dec on the deck of Ants Aunts boat who decked rumours that "Celebrity" would have to be cancelled. "Obviously it's a blow like" said Dec breaking down in laughter at the double entendre, "any shortage of desperate gay celebrities would be a disaster, but I'm sure we will be able to find more midgets, racists, and terrets sufferers to fill the void.

Dr. Myars suggests one solution would be a quota based system of immigration for homosexual men from less developed parts of the world such as Mississippi or Turkmenistan where gay men still have to lead double lives and numbers are expected to be maintained. Dr Myars is currently studying the future of Lesbians in the developed world and his paper is expected shortly.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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