In an effort to cut costs and help the environment, all British cities changed their street light bulbs from orange ones to black ones today.
'This will lower greenhouse gases and provide jobs for thousands of tea-drinking council workers', Prime Minister Gordon Brown said, 'and the new bulbs will only last one week before suddenly going out, cutting more electricity costs. This will also provide further jobs for unemployed muggers, and help to end discrimination against pervies that hang around bus shelters.'
The new bulbs are part of the Labour government's commitment to the environment, and further proposals for energy reduction include fitting black bulbs in car headlights, and black ones in football stadium floodlights.
Home Secretary Jacqui Blair also said: 'We will also be looking into the possibility of taking the engines out of cars, to cut carbon monoxide emissions, and using solar power to run trains. And by 2012 all domestic flights by aeroplane will be replaced by hot-air balloons, we are having talks with VirginOnTheRidiculous Air chief Sir Branston Pickle about that. This government is committed to lowering fuel costs.'
But in the House of Commons, Opposition leader David Campbelltown said: 'This government should BE committed! What's the point of having street lights if nobody can see anything? And under us the rail and bus networks were run into the ground so badly that they will probably never recover - now THAT'S the way to save energy. The orange lights and privatisation of public transport were part of our heritage, the heritage that lead to the death of the Tory party. Oops, I mean, er ...'
Meanwhile, sales in pocket torches and personal attack alarms soared in Britain, and street patrols by police forces were cut yet again to an all-time low.