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Friday, 6 March 2009

image for Now end of our world is 'nigh'
Really, what is the point? God I've had enough of it all. The ennui is deafening

Scientists have claimed the end of the world is now nigh.

The University of The Sunshine State department of water polo and environmental studies has forecast a soon end to all life on Earth.

"Our nighness index is now showing a record seasonal adjusted spring high," explained Professor Colin Colon, DoWPaES professor emeritusimus.

"It looks pretty bad."

The study highlights 42 key nigh indicators at red, 12 at mauve, 3 at topaz and 13 at green.

"Initial findings were positive," explained report author Clare Cool.

"The sun was shiny and glinting beautifully off the department swimming pool, but then we felt a bit tired and the coffee machine broke and the faculty shop ran out of 7UP and, you know, things seemed bad."

She explained the birds weren't really singing chirpily enough and then they remembered about cancer.

"After that we really got glum. And someone had a cold."

Dr Robert Funk, supervisor of cool, said: "There are some scientists who claim spring will come, the evenings will get lighter, but we doubt it.

"A summer dead cat bounce may come - but it will be very much felix mortis.

"We just have to face the facts and accept the end is nigh. Look our study is god damn proof."

He added: "+57 on the nighness index is conclusive. I've had enough"

Dr Funk added he was going to the cinema.

A rival study by the Australian Cairns Institute of Advanced If concluded this weeks "things are not so bad".

"Nigh is a bit strong," said Sir Oscar Hughff, CIAI If leader.

"Our indices point to nigh-ish. But what can you do about it?"

He added he was going to the cinema or something, maybe whale watching.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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