Written by IainB
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Thursday, 5 March 2009

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Nothing sinister about Apple. Honest!

Apple's boffins have been hard at work in the patent office ensuring that they have the future covered for all eventualities.

First out of the door is the iOpener, a new style tin opener that promises to revolutionise the food industry by opening cans of food. This $300 dollar device has a white ceramic cutting tool and a transparent handle. It is manually powered, but has the capacity for draining the two AA batteries that have to be inserted prior to use.

The iLid is taking on the refuse collection services at their own game, promising a chic new way of disposing of rubbish. Instead of just throwing rubbish into a bin, putting it through an iLid first will ensure that you do it in a chic new way. Apple deny that there is no substance to this invention, stating that there is a USB connection on the back and two Firewire ports on the front. Applications for the iLid are expected in the new year.

For S&M aficionados, they can now whip each other in style with the iLash. To avoid unnecessary pain, the iLash has a unique WiFi link to iTunes so that users can download whip cracking noises. Early adopters of the iLash have indicated that there are usability issues, with the main support strut breaking when they actually manage to lift the forty-kilo device off the floor.

For iPod owners who wish to cut a dash, the iShadow is there for them. This portable shadow is visible in all lighting conditions and wirelessly links to an iPod. The iShadow then dances an applicable dance for the tune being listened to. Reviewers have claimed this a marvellous invention, completely supplanting a traditional shadow, with the only downside that new iShadow dance moves have to be downloaded first.

There is no doubt likely to be more patents following this early flurry. Watch this space.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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