Written by Dungeekin
Print this
Topics: Research, cancer

Wednesday, 25 February 2009

image for Research Proves Cancer Studies Cause Cancer
Ah, I'm f*cked either way.

A study to be published in medical journal The Lanced today has warned that studies into the incidence of cancer increase the risk of cancer.

The study, carried out by scientists at Oxford University, has identified that research into the causes of cancer is itself carcinogenic. The research comes hard on the heels of evidence that even a single glass of wine a day can cause cancer, and follows studies which have now proved that cancer can be caused by obesity, smoking, second-hand smoke, third-hand smoke, marijuana, fake tan, cellphone towers, salt, reality TV shows, HRT, processed food and the internet.

Professor Ima Boff, from Oxford University, studied the incidence and rate of increase in cancer sufferers and correlated these results with the incidence and rate of increase in studies about the causes of tumours. He said, "I was surprised to find that whenever a particular piece of research is carried out, it shows an increase in the number of diagnosed tumours relating to that research.

"This proves, conclusively, that the prevalence of studies into cancer is a dangerous development, as the studies are, in and of themselves, carcinogenic".

Secretary of State for Health Alan Johnson praised Professor Boff's report for its thoroughness, adding, "we will look at this worrying development in detail. The Cabinet is to consider legislation that will require all studies into the causes of cancer to carry a Health Warning similar to that found on cigarette packets, and we will also consider how the information within those reports is disseminated to minimise the carcinogenic risk to the general public".

The results of a detailed, Government-backed investigation in to whether life itself is carcinogenic and should therefore be banned are expected within the next month.

Make Dungeekin's day - give this story five thumbs-up (there's no need to register, the thumbs are just down there!)

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!

More by this writer

View Story
View Story
View Story
View Story
View Story
View Story


Mailing List

Get Spoof News in your email inbox!


What's 1 multiplied by 1?

4 1 17 11
50 readers are online right now!

Go to top

We use cookies to give you the best experience on our website, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more