Researchers at Johns Hopkins University and the Mayo Clinic have discovered a new probable cause for many, if not most, forms of cancer. In a study lasting three years and costing in excess of twelve billion dollars, Scientists have linked together several previously unconnected factors to determine the reason behind several different forms of carcinoma.
In a joint press conference yesterday at the headquarters of the American Medical Association, Doctors revealed that the cause of many forms of cancer are Mother in Laws. Speaking for the group, Dr. Herman Bates said that:
"We have learned that in over 98% of the victims of cancer over the age of 25 either have, or had, a Mother in Law. Working with social scientists, we have discovered that the relationship with that Mother in Law was generally stressful. It is generally accepted that stress causes an increase in the production of stomach acids and sweat. It was not known until now that this also caused the growth of cancer cells."
"Other research shows that over 75% of cancer victims have eaten spinach and watch reality tv shows."
"It is our recommendation that people avoid their mother in law, spinach, and reality tv to maintain a healthy life and avoid cancer."