Scientists studying the DNA of Neanderthals say they have found genes shared between our closest ancient relations and English TV and music celebrities.
Professor Max Mengele in Germany said that Neanderthals shared the FIX2 gene associated with celebrity speech patterns, 'though at a very primitive level. We have been analysing the DNA from Neanderthals in 2 areas in Croatia - Jadegoodizovina and Gallagherbrosnia - and can confirm much of it matches that of famous people like Jonathan Ross and Victoria Beckham.'
'This shows that the Neanderthals, like these stars, were capable of basic though often idiotic speech, and may even have managed to play primitive forms of music and paint pictures, though only at the level of elephants painting pictures and making lots of loud noises. Which explains Babyshambles and Steps, and of course Tracey Emin.'
The Neanderthals disappeared 30,000 years ago, and were thought to have become extinct, but the DNA connection mean that hundreds if not thousands of English stars are not really annoying, talentless pains in the neck, famous for absolutely no reason at all, but are actually the missing link between humans and apes.
High Grant was too busy making caveman noises like 'Um' and 'Er' to comment, while Jade Goody was grunting like a pig, trying to pronounce the word 'Neanderthal'.