(New Yawk, NY)-- New scientific data indicates most global warming can be blamed on the common practice of masturbation. The disgusting habit is responsible for raising world-wide temperatures by at least 5 degrees. Only male masturbation was studied, and the results are both raising concerns and pumping up global warming advocates.
Al Gore is the leading advocate of global warming and grabbed on to the latest data.
"Just do the math." said the boring Gore. "There are three billion males in the world. Two billion males are sexually mature. About 500 million males do not have sex partners. The average length of the penis is six inches. If you multiply those numbers you will get a penis 48,000 miles long--that's enough to go around the world twice!" he said with excitement.
Scientists calculate daily masturbation produces the same amount of energy as 50 nuclear power plants. They also note global warming is highest in Northern latitudes and minimal in Antarctica where there are less men.
Global warming boffins now advocate a complete ban on all types of pornography to save the planet from destruction.
"Guys should just grow up and have adult relations. We have to quit jerking around. Just take a cold shower--you and the earth can cool down at the same time!" ejaculated the silly Gore.