London - (X-Files Mess): A highly noxious comet replete with Zyklon-B isotopes is on a Friday 13th February collision course with the UK shipping scrapyard charged with scuttling the toxic French aircraft carrier Le Clemenceau.
Comet Lulin had been on a retrograde trajectory conjunct with the planet Saturn in the constellation of Virgo.
Last week NASA reported that 'alien forces' had suddenly propelled it towards the Earth's top northern hemisphere hellhole of Hartlepool, former parliamentary constituency of UK Toxic Business Secretary Baroness Mandelson.
Last year the newly created Life Peer helped the town win the contract to extract Le Clemeceau's deadly 700 tonne cargo of asbestos, lead, mercury, PCB pollutants and Cliff Richard CDs.
A NASA spokesman said today that the comet had been detected spewing lethal gases including cyanogen, diatomic carbon and the Zyklon-B isotope.
The ensuing impact cocktail "could well be nastier" than a traditional UK pint of the 1981 Royal Wedding Ale commissioned for Prince Charles' nuptuals, according to National Poisons Unit sources.