Researchers today reported in the Journal of American Medical Association a mechanical contraceptive that is 100% safe, 100% effective, and able to enhance the pleasure of both men and women.
17th century scientist Evangelista Torricelli was the first to produce a vacuum in the laboratory in 1643. Utilizing his theory of vacuums, scientists were able to miniturize an Orek vacuum cleaner down to an impressive, and eye straining 300 nanometers.
Implanting these devices at strategic locations along the fallopian tubes, and at the back end of the uterus, these nanobot vacuums, called "man crushers," suck up anything that even looks like it's going to do a wiggle, or swim to the prized egg. The tiny machines have twin on-board lasers for the more athletic sperm with biceps.
Male college students, who stood in long lines zealously volunteering for the experiment, reported they could feel the tiny vacuums in the vagina as if they were receiving a blow-job from several pairs of lips at the same time. Female subjects reported feeling a pleasurable sucking sensation, and when the male pulled his penis out of her vagina, a loud popping noise could be heard, not unlike uncorking a champagne bottle. Researchers, who were located down the hallway, reported hearing a loud yell from the females, like: "DON'T PULL IT OUT" just before a loud popping sound and sonic wave blasted them.
Asked whether a shampooer model was in the works, Chief scientist I. Gotta Hardon told me that yes, there is, for that "stanky" woman in your life.