Written by P.M. Wortham
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Topics: Weather, Michigan, Cold

Thursday, 8 January 2009

image for Northern U.S. Prepares for Record Lows

Dateline: Milwaukee, Wisconsin. - Unprepared for impact by a circling low pressure storm previously centered over Alaska, the Northern United States will encounter record low temperatures as the Arctic blast passes over Minnesota, Wisconsin and Michigan. Average daily temperatures in Alaska had been reported at -60 degrees Fahrenheit or -51 Celsius, and had remained that way for nearly two weeks.

Local weather reporters were quick to spot the change in storm direction in order to warn residents of what they could expect in the coming days. Wisconsin and Minnesota could expect daily highs at -30 F. Interviewed on the streets of downtown Milwaukee, one man scoffed at the concern. F. Reese Engbalz, an immigrant from Norway says, "Yaa, this is nothing. I might put on a good sweater. Maybe. Swap my shorts for sweat pants, and that's about it."

In Michigan, weather casters expect freezing rain just before the cold air blast passes through the state. Road commission representative Sid "Snappy" Apendage tells reporters, "At those temperatures, things start to freeze and fall off if you know what I mean. Taking a leak outdoors ain't such a good idea, and I speak from experience here. We can't even use salt to melt the ice. It's too cold."

In response to Sid's comments, one young local motorist said, "Most people afraid of the ice, just leave their cars in the garage. Driving in Michigan we're like, Hold my beer and watch this!"

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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