Written by Albanach
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Sunday, 13 June 2004

Professor Sean Strangelove, head of the Genetic Engineering Department at Queens University, Befast, today announced the sensational news that he had created the world's first genetically modified spide/chav/yob.

Speaking at a press conference, Professor Strangelove outlined some of the difficulties his department overcame to produce the modified spide who is known as Jeffrey. Professor Strangelove said "To produce Jeffrey was different in many ways from producing other GM life forms. Normally, the main objective is to engineer organisms which are prolific breeders, in the case of animals, or very high-yielding, in the case of crops: Jeffrey, on the other hand, is sterile.

We are now working on a GM millie as a life partner for Jeffrey, and we hope she will be out of the labs very soon. We plan to call her, Prudence." Asked what the difference is between a normal and a GM spide,

Professor Strangelove replied "There are many differences between Jeffrey and the common or garden spide. Firstly, Jeffrey is allergic to alcohol, especially Buckfast. Just like normal humans, Jeffrey gets severe headaches when exposed to very loud techno music, or when driving around aimlessly in cars. He is pathologically well-mannered and suffers from extreme anxiety if he is travelling on public transport and does not get the opportunity to offer his seat to an old lady. He also firmly believes that only tossers wear baseball caps and track suits. He doesn't swear, spit, vomit in public, or shout like an imbecile on street corners."

When asked if there were any major flaws in Jeffrey, Professor Strangelove responded coyly "Well, he does have some rather bizarre tastes in music; he is a big fan of Daniel O'Donnell and Willie McCrea, and he's learning to play the banjo, but you can't have everything."

In summary, Professor Strangelove said "The spide/millie problem is one that will have to be tackled sooner or later. A few years down the line, we'll have baby spide, daddy spide, and grandad spide - the implications are just too horrible to contemplate."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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