Written by Kenneth Manboobs
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Topics: University, Virginia

Friday, 11 June 2004

image for Study Reveals Children Forced to Celebrate "Conception Day" Unstable

Charlottesville, VA - Researchers at the University of Virginia have concluded that children who are forced to celebrate the date of their conception rather than the date they were born on are maladjusted, short tempered, and stayed generally isolated from their peers.

The uncommon practice began almost two decades ago in a Narcotics Anonymous meeting. During a smoke break John and Tammy Allison began reminiscing about their wild past and about "that night Tad was conceived". The seed of ingenuity was planted and blossomed even as concept's parents succumbed to relapse and eventually overdosed.

The theme quickly picked up momentum and the study revealed, has become somewhat of the norm for people who identify themselves as Libertarians. The Party has no official line, but an unconfirmed source was quoted as saying, "Birthdays are pretty much Communist propaganda. I mean, if I told you everyone should just ‘get' stuff once a year for being alive you'd probably kick my red commie ass."

So it has come to pass that parents have begun to celebrate the accomplishment that is making the baby. David Pickers, President of Hallmark commented on the possibilities of greeting cards with a "Conception Day" theme. "Oh, off the top of my head I'm sure we can pump out a few cards like ‘Congratulations, you did it - Literally!' or something, we've got people to clean that up."

While mothers and fathers everywhere are busy slapping themselves on the back for a job well done, the UVA study divulges some of the pitfalls associated with that world view.

The data, taken from 1993-1998, follows 1,300 children on the Eastern Seaboard. "The findings are eye opening", says Dr. Sara Rimm-Kaufmann, "It appears that children that grow up not experiencing normal birthdays have a dangerously low sense of self worth."

Dr. Rimm-Kaufmann continued, "They feel like they've done something wrong, like they aren't worth being remembered."

"To the contrary," snapped Conception Day enthusiast Dan Snyder, "We totally let them know they are important. Last year I even gave Dan Jr. the broken condom that was responsible for him being alive. We even stopped calling him a 'mistake' last Conception Day, well to his face anyway."

The UVA study also contends that the most troubling part of the ordeal may not actually be the lack of an acknowledged birthday, but the troubling Conception Day parties themselves.

Again, Dr. Rimm-Kaufmann: "Many times the parents will parade their child around while they drink with their friends and talk about ‘that night'. Typical goings-on can mean anything from dressing the child up in a gold costume like a trophy to actual hand puppet re-enactments of the Conception Day. Many of the children say it is quite traumatizing."

This story is sure to bring this issue to the forefront of social services advocates everywhere and deepen the gap between those who care for children and those who simply have a few.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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