Written by linda warnke
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Topics: Death, Internet

Monday, 15 December 2008

During an interview with AuctionWatch, Dead-bay (Dbay) CEO Don Jonohoe confirmed rumors that Dbay has been registering the deceased on the popular online auction site.

"I got the idea from Meg (Whitman) actually" Jonohoe said. "During the Republican primaries while she was working with Mitt Romney, I asked a few questions about that Mormon religion, and the subject of their baptism for the dead came up. I admit, I was intrigued. So I ran the idea past our marketing dept, and we decided it was time for us to grab a piece of that action. I mean, if the Mormons can "up" their numbers by baptizing the dead, why not us? And, if some dead guy can join a church, shouldn't he be able to purchase a good Sunday suit on Dbay?"

Dbay has been the recipient of some harsh criticism over the past few months. Since Jonohoe began his tenure in March of this year some long time users have complained that the auction site has become unfriendly to it's smaller sellers, choosing instead to focus on the "mega-sellers", those who list thousands of auctions at a time. But Jonohoe disputes this.

"We love our small sellers!" he says emphatically. "They are the heart and soul of Dbay. In fact, we are doing this for them." He goes on to explain, "Currently, we have reached a 'saturation point' in our business. There are only so many people actually living at any one time, so you get to a point where you simply can't "grow the business" any more. But this approach will open up a whole new marketplace for our sellers, bless their hearts! I look forward to the day when we can proudly say that we have over 200 billion registered users!"

Dbay plans an aggressive marketing campaign over the next few months, with radio and television ads, including a 30-second spot at this years Super Bowl.

"We think our sellers will be pleased at having this vast, untapped marketplace at their disposal", Jonohoe continues. "I mean, imagine selling a snowboard to Abraham Lincoln, or a nice Coach handbag to Cleopatra? Maybe a set of Pokemon trading cards to Dr. Jonas Salk? This company has always been on the cutting edge of the online selling business, so we see this as a logical progression."

Dbay has seen it's numbers stagnate this year, as rivals like Amazon have posted gains in user traffic. Jonohoe sees this new registration drive as just the right medicine, and says the company has been quietly registering the deceased since early June.

"We got the jump on Amazon this time!" he says excitedly. "We already have most of the good names, and by the time the other guys realize what's happening it'll be too late. All that will be left are the really crappy dead people, like Jeffrey Dahmer, Adolf Hitler, you know, folks like that. Why, just this morning we registered Luciano Pavarotti, and he's already been doing some shopping. Won't those sellers be surprised to find out they sold something to one of the greatest tenors of all time?"

For those who think Dbay has "jumped the shark", Jonohoe has a message. "Rest assured, this is just the beginning. We have a LOT of new ideas ready for implementation, and people are going to be very surprised to see just what we're capable of."

No doubt about it, Dbay will continue to be a force to be reckoned with in the near future!

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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