Lost Widget, Florida - Scientists at the J. Buffett Institute for Pharmaceutical and Penis Enlargement Research (BIPAPER) have discovered a link between Adult Attention Deficit Disorder (AADD) and conservatism - as well as a cure for both.
In an article published in the Journal of the American Psychiatric Establishment Society (JAPES), Arisotocrales Gammeon, head of research at BIPAPER explains that while testing the new Anti-AADD Drug (AAADDD) twobifourpherin on a random sample of patients, he noticed a remarkable result when the drug was administered to conservative patients. They immediately became more liberal!
According to Dr. Gammeon, "Conservatives treated with our new drug would say things like, ‘I see now, if you give massive tax cuts to the rich and don't cut corporate welfare, you will cause massive deficits - it wasn't the Democrats after all,' and ‘I understand, claiming it is all right to torture people because despots, criminals, and dictators do worse makes us moral midgets, even if we can twist the law to justify it. I can put it all together now."
This anti-conservative effect (allowing those taking twobifourpherin to follow an idea that takes longer than a 3-second sound byte to explain) was seen in both conservative patients already diagnosed with AADD and conservatives who had not previously been diagnosed.
"Further testing revealed that the drug worked because conservatism is most often an unrecognized effect of AADD," said Gammeon, who further explained that to be effective his new drug must be quickly forced between the eyes of the patient. "Hit a conservative with a twobifourpherin between the eyes and you're apt to get his attention."
Gammeon claims twobifourpherin will cure 90% of all conservatives. When asked how he accounts for the other 10% of conservatives, Gammeon said, "Oh, they are just dickheads."